Carlina: That idea of love (what the hell does that mean?)

I'll be the first to admit I've never been in love. It's not because I'm cynical about it or have some deeply seeded arguments against the idea, I've just never felt it. At least romantically, anyway. What the hell does love even mean?

I suppose you could call me a head thinker. I don't "go with my gut" that often this in turn seems to leads to they rationalities of what love can and can't conquer.

The idea that love is everlasting, limitless, and unconditional are false. Do I believe that love can stand the test of time? Yes. Do I believe that everyone has one soul mate? Not really. And there must always be conditions to love. This is a stand that shall not budge. Abuse, affairs, a change in disposition... all these things are conditions. And they've got to be there.

I suppose I just don't understand. And this could all just be naivety.

I don't fall for people easily or often. I never really have. Even in the depths of my teenage years I wasn't entirely convinced of this idea, and never really found anyone to change my mind.

I'm just not attracted to that many. I guess you could call my standards ridiculous. Or maybe a little insane. But I don't think so. I can't help what I like. But I have such trouble finding it that it frustrates me to no end. Yet I refuse to lower them. I don't see why I should. I'm not interested in mindless hook ups but I don't fault others that are. We're all looking for different things and who am I to judge them?

Intellect is the sexiest thing to me. Nothing is more attractive then raw passion. When you look into their eyes and you can just tell how important that something is to them.

Openness is another big one for me. The person that can be comfortable with who they are and accept and think of people no differently because they aren't like them. I try to live my life in a non-judgmental way. It's probably more innate then anything else. I don't always exceed in this, but I certainly try.

I also seem to gravitate towards warmth and honesty above other things. I don't revel in drama or this idea that feeling or thought should be toyed with. In my eyes, assumptions are more dangerous then truth. I find honesty to be such a rare quality these days. I don't understand why people feel the need to beat around the bush. Truthfulness has almost become passe in a way. It's a tiny bit tragic.

And where would I be without sarcasm and wit? They're the highest forms of humor, you know. To be with someone that didn't share this belief would be kind of miserable.

So what the hell is love? A combination of what I stated above? No, probably not. In my head, I feel like when the right person comes along I should just, "know". I'll look into their eyes and can just tell what's there, what's between us. 21 years have passed and I've yet to find this person. A part of me thinks I just haven't really been looking. There were certainly big chunks of my life that weren't conducive to share with anyone else, because it wouldn't be fair to them. But now I'm starting to believe that there might be room, in a tiny corner of my heart, for another. Maybe.