Alessandra: When will I see you again?

Do you have moments that you know as they are happening, that they will change your life? It's almost as though you're being lifted up out of your body, above everything going on, watching yourself go through whats happening and thinking 'wow, this changes, everything'. You don't know how to control it and you aren't freaking it, this odd serenity comes over you and you feel safe in the confines of knowing that the change is coming.

This happened to me tonight. Around him. He was so sick. He was a ripped up, torn down, beat apart version of the man I used to love, the man who has been a pillar in my life, one of my greatest friends for so long.

When he finally opened his eyes, I knew in that moment that he wasn't okay, he wouldn't be okay and probably never will be. He knew it too.

But that's okay, because for tonight, he got to be with his boy, and I got to tell him how much he's impacted my life, how proud of him I am. I got to show him in my eyes that it's alright for things to not be okay. I got to show him that he shouldn't be afraid of it, that I'd be by his side the whole time.

Then he showed me how much he loved me in his. And I watched as it all disappeared as the damage took control and he began to seize. They had to put him under once again, causing everything to not be okay, causing him to not be okay....causing all of this to not be okay.

But for a moment there, a single moment. There was love in ours, respect, admiration, years of friendship, and a bond that will never be broken- not with death, not with anything.

Alessandra: Don't You Remember?

When will I see you again? We left with no goodbyes, not a single word was said

Things have become rather complicated lately. Mostly because of relationships, romance, love, the lack there of, there wish that it would be, the complications from the past, the hurt from the current situations...it all becomes this big tough heavy weight that you carry with you through out the day.

There's the ex. The one who was my best friend, the person who saved me from myself in the best of ways, who made me feel like I could change the world and that he'd never let me fall because he'd always be there. Until, he decided that banging random girls and getting shitfaced was more fun. As was breaking promises and becoming this...heartbreakingly pathetic version of himself that literally makes me hurt inside just speaking to him. I wish I could say all the love is gone, but it's not. There are some people you just will always love. No matter what. And he's that.

He's not good to me. Certainly not now which is ironic considering he claims that right now he is trying to prove to me that he wants us to be friends, and that he wants us to work. But he breaks more promises, a past instance of me sticking my neck out for him comes back up and instead of him making sure he handles it to the best of his ability, he embarrasses me in front of my bosses of all people. Really? Don't I matter at all? Doesn't our friendship? Doesn't everything we had once matter to you? If you keep claiming that you know it's going to be hard but you are going to try and you want this to work etc, then why do you constantly prove how little I matter to you? It's the same old song and dance. And I can't take the pain anymore. I have too much pain in my life, and the last thing I need is more pain from him.

Then there's J. Sweet, loveable, fun, caring, supportive J. The nice guy I've always clicked with. He's in Afghanistan until July-ish and invited me to the Military Ball with him. I agreed already. I'm looking forward to that at least. Get all dressed up, dance the night away with him in his fancy uniform and what not. It should be a lot of fun. We talk daily, even though he is half a world away. We have it down to practically a schedule. It's almost disturbing. ALMOST. The only thing that bothers me is that he's simple in the sense that he doesn't challenge me to grow, become better, stronger. Not like...

JP. Former Marine. Current Cop training to be a Fireman. Strong, loyal, hardcore die hard football fan, loves his family and friends more than anything, and has strong morals and an incredibly intelligent brain. When we first met he was engaged to my other ex M's friend Abigail. She broke off their two year engagement when he was on his second deployment to Afghanistan over IM and then never returned a single call to him. He later found out she got knocked up by another guy. Abigail is clAssy. JP and I text for hours, we play the question game (I ask a question, he has to answer then ask another) for hours to keep me awake while I do homework into the long hours of the night and to keep him awake as he works the night shift haha. We, click in a way I haven't really clicked with someone in a really long time. He's someone I can feel myself starting to fall for. He's someone I could see...myself with. Settling down with. We share many of the same beliefs, upbringing, values, way of seeing life. He pushes me to become better always, he believes in my strength and anytime I doubt myself he just says, 'don't do that, you know better, we both know you know better and know you can do this, take a deep breath and just do it, you got this'.

And I believe him. It's been so long since I could believe in a man without him letting me down. He makes me want to believe in him more. He makes me want to talk to him more and giggle at his jokes as often as possible and my stomach fills with butterflies and I get all happydorkysmiley every time I hear the specific noise on my phone which means he just text me. He was out in the middle of nowhere hunting with his buddy and he would take the time to text me and see how I was.

Then...yup, there's another then. Because then there's T. My rock when I needed one, when I need one, he's there, strong, caring, beautiful spirit (in the words of my bff beeaaaautiful half naked too), brilliantly smart, very much a 'man' in all senses of the word. He's great and I love how much fun we have together but I also love that I don't feel weak or smaller for showing weakness around him. He never makes me feel weakness around him. Even when I feel like a giant pile of mess, he never lets me feel like that, in the sense that he says its 'hogwash' because 'he knows what I've gone through and what I continue to fight through'. He also happens to be a genius surgeon and more beautiful than most calvin klein models. That tends to not be a bad thing either. Caramel skin, hazel-blue eyes, built body but leaned out some, yes please.

I wish I could say that the dilemma of the 'men' situation was easy, or that it was like I was trying to pick whom I was going to spend my time with but it's nowhere even near the close proximity of that at all. It's more like, I'm afraid of which one to give up on, or which one will give up on me. I'm so fucked up because of my ex CF that I can't even...properly talk to guys without always thinking that every promise they state, or words they speak, that they will just immediately go back on them or something. It's so messed up I know but I'm just, I'm broken and I'm trying to fix it, step by step, but sometimes I feel like it's just getting more worse and it's not worth it.

But it's worth it right? Because love, the possibility of love, that's always worth it. I have to believe in love still, I can't let CF take that away from me. I can't let him take away my possibility for happiness. Even if it is because I am that stubborn.

And yes, I am that stubborn.

Why does it feel like life can sometimes just be one giant game after another?



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Love you Alesssandra