Carlina: Fuck you

Fuck you.

Fuck you for not believing me.

Fuck you for giving up.

Fuck you for telling me I was wrong.

Fuck you for telling me how I should and shouldn’t feel.

Fuck you for yelling at me.

Fuck you for seeing my pain and not acknowledging it.

Fuck you for making me want to hurt myself.

Fuck you for belittling me.

Fuck you for making me feel like I wasn’t enough.

Fuck you for doubting me.

Fuck you for abandoning me.

Fuck you for turning me into a robot.

Fuck you for making me want to give up.

Fuck you for making me want to OD.

Fuck you for making me want to starve myself.

Fuck you for making me want to tear into my skin.

Fuck you for making me want to die.

I hate you for invalidating my feelings. I hate you for making me feel weak and inferior for having them. I hate you deduced me to nothing more then a pestilent child. You fucking gave up on me. Hell, if I hadn’t fought you as hard as I did for as long as I did, I’d still be in pain.

I hate the war you created.

Fuck you for not giving me the chance to grieve. For making me feel like nothing had happened. For excusing it as if nothing was wrong.

Fuck you for turning me into this person I don’t want to be. Fuck you for holding me back.

How could you just give up on me? How could you stand there and see me in chronic pain and think I was making it up? There were days I couldn’t even stand and you fucking pushed me into school anyways. Hunched over in pain and you didn’t even care.

Do you know what it’s like, going into a controlled environment in chronic, untreated pain for day after day, not being able to go home or tell anyone and have to sit through classes like everything was ok? And then get yelled at me when I wasn’t making good grades? Fuck you.

You had a choice to believe me. You didn’t. Even now we can’t talk about it. I can’t talk about it. It hurts to goddamn much.

Fuck you for making it all about you. For turning me into the bad person because you fucked up and couldn’t deal with it.