It just came out of nowhere. And it keeps coming out of nowhere. I probably shouldn't be writing this here. I probably shouldn't be writing this at all. It's too much for anyone to handle. Too much for me to handle. But alas, I am alone and it needs to be said. I'm sorry if it scares you, I don't want to frighten you. Help will be here on Monday. I won't hold anything back.
Certain things, certain actions lead my mind places that they should be. Putting on a scarf, shaving my legs with a razor in the shower, taking a vitamin... I don't even mean to think this way, I swear I don't. It just happens and I can't stop it. Like a moving train that's coming towards me a 100mph with a ton of force. Even the friction between the wheels and the rails can stop it.
But it's starting to scare me, especially when I'm alone.
And then once I come to and the realization hits, I panic and break down. Crying and crying. My breathing gets fast, my heart feels too big for its chest cavity. I ask myself out-loud what the fuck I'm doing. I wish I had the courage to pick up the phone and call the psychologist's office.
It's not pride that's stopping me. Or, I don't think it's pride. I just don't want to bother anyone. I know, I know. I'm sorry but that's how I feel.
I feel like it's too much for anyone to handle. I don't want to make it bigger than it is. I don't want someone to blow it up to something it's not.
I scare myself. I'm scared of my thoughts. I'm scared on the man sitting on my left shoulder.
But tomorrow is new, you know? There's something promising and light about a new morning. The daybreak is so symbolic to me, spiritual,... metaphoric, even. I know it's just a gravitational reaction of forces and tilting and a magical earth nonsense... but to me it's like a restart button. It's like a new day, a new chance.