It's exactly 2:49am and I'm sitting here on my bed, listening to the rain. I just got back for school, stuck in a lab for 7 hours studying for a final tomorrow (or today as it were). Sometimes I really do believe teachers are the most narcissistic, self-asorbed people on the planet. Or just really sadistic. But either way, I have a head full of fossils and rocks that is relentlessly bouncing around up there, and I'm unable to think of much else.
I had every intention of staying awake and writing a paper that due in the coming days... but now I know I was being a bit too presumptuous and need to just get some rest. Today has been a hard one for me. Not physically really, just emotionally.
I only have one class on Monday's, which gives me a prime opportunity to settle in and get some work accomplished. But not today, the first day after Thanksgiving. My feet dragged and my eyelids drooped. I felt like I was lugging around 30lbs on my back the entire day.
During my only Monday class (statistics) I feel my heart begin to race, blood pressure rise, breath starting to shallow... panic setting in. I couldn't believe the amount of work she was laying on us. On top of everything else I have to complete I just... I had (and still have) no words. Corrections and studying and extra assignments and homework. When is enough, enough? Clearly it's never.
Like I said, teachers are sadists.
After class I headed to the counseling services. I have been talking myself up into going for almost half of the semester, each time before completely chickening out. But not this time... things have gotten worse... much worse then I probably imagined and more then I could handle.
So I walked in and they sat me down to do the electronic paperwork and assessments to fill out. Once those were completed I sat in the waiting room and waited to be called back for an assessment by a psychologist. After what seemed like 5,000 years, I was finally called back.
The therapist gave me the confidential "except for... " run down that you normally get at a therapists office (is it sad that I've have this spiel given to me several times?) and then started chipping away at my issues and establishing what's going on inside my head. I talked for a bit about everything that was going on and how I was feeling about everything. Once I finished up she informed me that I had scored in the 98th percentile for depression and scored "really high" on anxiety, emotional distress, and eating issues. "Everything but alcohol abuse" she said. It's a wonder that's not up there too.
I'm not exactly shocked, but I didn't really thing it'd be as bad as it appears it is. But the physical alarm and worry I detected in her voice was enough to sober any ideation of a faulty assessment in practice. Nope, that's just where things stand right now.
She suggested individual counseling, group counseling for social anxiety, and to see psychiatrist "asap" for medication. Which I'm going to do tomorrow at some point.
I don't really know what to say but... here we go again. Same old issues, same old game. Will anything actually change? Will I actually change?
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