Alessandra: 1

I wish I had more interesting things to say. I wish the things rambling in my mind were of more intrigue to people. Watching him do what he does and make it seem as though I don't care...it's the greatest acting ever. Do they give Oscars out to heartbroken brunettes for carrying on without eating a pint of Ben & Jerry's a day? They ought to. They ought to give a statuette made out of hard shell chocolate over ice cream sprinkled with Valium. That would be quite an award worth getting. It'd make all the heart ache and pain feel a little less horrible. Well, until that Valium wears off.

I've found refuge in music again. Playing, singing. Piano or guitar. Mostly Taylor Swift, Miranda Lambert, Alanis Morisette and Kelly Clarkson songs lately. What can I say? Some girls just know heartbreak well. Dear John has been hitting home, hard. So has Last Kiss. That album unfortunately is hitting home for so many things that I don't quite know how I feel about it. I have been so nervous to tell my doctor all day that I think I need higher anxiety medication, how twisted is that? I am anxious about talking about my anxiety medication. I must do it though, as not only is this very uncomfortable all day long but I must face facts. I'm just not better yet. I'm not okay right now. And that's alright. I have to become okay with not being alright, with being a little broken.

I've been getting bill upon bill from the hospital. It's not enough I have cancer and chronic illness but let's throw thousands of dollars at her. One of my stays which was less than 12 hours is mover six grand. Another one of my stays that was over 48 hours, cost two grand. Logic please? Apparently loads of drugs and lots of scans in one, not so much in the other. The way the United States handle their healthcare and the entire system here is just complete rubbish. I can't believe they are so rich and so dumb.

I feel as though I'm sitting around, moving through life, waiting for things to happen. I have so much coming down the pipeline that I am really looking forward to, going back to school for another degree with my best friend which includes moving, and yet I am stuck on pause for awhile. It gets me frustrated. I want to move, I want to breathe and I want to live. I almost feel as though I'm one of those dogs on the leashes that roll out you know? They run and run and run and think they're free then suddenly they're jerked back because the spool is empty and theres no more length left so they're stuck there, a foot away from the perfect stick.

Yup, my life is kind of like that. At least the pieces of my heart are slowly starting to put themselves back together enough that I can occasionally sleep at night.