Love. Love. It's really a great thing. It's what people live for, die for, go to war for. It's what people fight for every day of their life even if they don't know they are doing it. When push comes to shove it takes both people involved to really want to make it work, to make it work. It is never easy. It will get tough. It will get hard. It will break you down and it will make you feel like you can't go on but then you just shut up and you feel it. You feel the love. It pulses through your veins and you just know it. You just feel it. You know your life isn't right if they aren't there.
But what do you do if you've already pushed them away? Do you try to fight your way back in? Do you try to win them back? Do you fight for your love or do you watch it walk away? Do you constantly wonder if they think of you like you think of them? Do you see them everywhere and wish they were right here, in this moment? Do you wonder if they would want the same? Do you hate that you can't even have that conversation?
You two never had to try hard. You could always say it how it was. You always said some crazy things but they real, things happened and you just went with it never thinking about how crazy it may seem from the outside because you were a team. Damn. Do you wonder if there is something you could do to have them here? Do you realize that you just can't let go no matter what? No matter who else is there. No matter who else comes along. They aren't them. No one else is them. And that spark isn't there. That connection isn't there.
You have fun, you laugh and you smile. You even might think you're happy for awhile but then it hits you one night, while you're laying alone in bed and you're realizing that you used to lie with them every night. You remember how even when you were fighting and sleeping on opposite sides of the bed that in the middle of the night and the middle of your sleep you'd somehow wind up wrapped around each other, exactly as you should be...and every thing was suddenly right in your world. Because they were all you needed. You wonder if they have moments like that.
You wonder if they remember it. You wonder if you remember the laughter, the tenderness, the love. You wonder if they remember the feel of your hands in theirs, how you fit so perfectly against their chest. You wonder if they remember that feeling of comfort, of feeling completely loved by someone that you completely loved back. You wonder if they remember how you two fell apart, you wonder if they wish they could fix it. You wonder why they didn't want to. You wonder why you weren't worth it. You wonder why you were so easy to give up on. You wonder why...how...they could break so many promises and still say they love you. You wonder if they even know what love means.
But you don't ask them any of that. You don't say a word. You cry to yourself silently while you try to force yourself to forget the way he felt against you. You cry to yourself while you realize that even an amazing human being, who is a great person...still just isn't them and you just don't understand what's wrong with you and why you can't just forget them. You don't tell them any of this because after every thing they've done to you why would you? They deserve a knife in the heart just like the one you got in the back. But you can't stop. You can't just stop...it's not enough. It's not enough to forgive them for what they've done. It's not enough. The pain in your heart is there. It's overbearing at times. It swallows you until you feel as though you can't breathe and sometimes you can't. But it's all not enough. None of it's enough until you can love them right. Until they love you right.
But can they ever? If they came back right now and held you right would you let go? Would you ever want to let go? Would you want to hear goodbye and watch him walk away when it feels so right to have them stand right by your side? The past can't change. Your heart is constantly open, waiting for them to say they feel the same. Waiting for them to say 'I'm for real, let's do this' and you both try, really try. You don't want to ever let go of them because they have your soul. You want them to hold you now. You feel safe. You feel sound. When they're around. Nothing hurts when they're there, when they hold you down, hold you now. You're safe and sound and nothing can get to you because they're around. All the pain you thought you felt, all the pain you've ever known it just floats away because it feels so right just for them to stand by your side. They have your soul...they will always have your soul and you can't help it. You just want them to stand by your side...
Just...don't let me go. Because you have my soul. You just wanted them to know.
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