Alessandra: Looking back at the past

And then it just slaps you in the face. I wrote the following entry the other day. The other night to be specific. And I was so angry, still am. But I guess this is just a disclaimer because those that know me, well, they know my family means more to me than anything. But also, family isn't just what you're born into, it's the life you create with the people you love.

That being said. Here's the fallout...

It’s funny how things from the past come up to bite you in the ass again. Whether it’s the same stupid mindset of a stubborn parent or the way that a parent who always fucked you over finds ways to do so long after their gone. You can’t escape it. It will resurface.

I told my mother to go to hell tonight. And quite frankly. I wanted to say worse. I wanted to say a million things worse than that. Because she deserved it. I couldn’t believe she even spoke to me the way that she did and about the topic that she did. I wanted to slam her in the face and physically hurt her in ways that just, probably would have put me in jail for years. I am sick and tired of her telling me I overreact about my health, or that I’m overreacting about something happening in my health. No, I’m not. I’m having the appropriate reaction to my health and you are being a cunt who doesn’t give a shit. Her body normal is not the same as my body normal and she needs to realize we are not the same, not at fucking all. A tiny cold to her may not be a big deal, but it can kill me.

It’s always been that I’ve been overreacting except that I haven’t been, doctors back me up left and right and yet she still claims that I’m the one who is wrong even though these doctors are telling her how wrong she is. She just doesn’t care. She’s too stubborn and too much of a bitch to even look outside of herself, for even a minute, to realize that she’s wrong. It’s beyond obnoxious.

So something in me snapped tonight. Something in me really, really, snapped. And I found myself realizing that as much as I have grown and changed and adapted and moved forward…she hasn’t. She hasn’t at all. She doesn’t listen to anybody and she thinks shes always right. I have some of the best doctors in the country point blank telling her she’s wrong and what she was wanting me to do would have killed me, but what did she do? Roll her eyes and act like it’s not a big deal. It IS a big deal. My health is a VERY big deal. And her acting as though I overreact about everything happening with me is bullshit and I’m sick of it.

I’m not going to be speaking to her at all anymore. Not until she apologizes for what she’s done and handles the mess she’s supposed to handle. I don’t have anything else to say to her at this moment besides how much I hate her for what she’s done to me, for what she’s put me through all these years and for being such a horrible human being to me.

Things haven't changed much since this all happened. I held my ground, I forced her to realize that she can't just disrespect me like that and think it'd be okay. However situations have arisen with other people in my life where apparently they believe it's also alright for them to walk all over me too.

I don't know when it became okay to walk over me, to shove my face in the dirt and my back into your knife, but please know that you will regret it. And I will not apologize for being glad that you are such a piece of scum. I'm not annoyed by you anymore, I'm enraged by you breathing air anywhere near me and thinking it's okay. You hurt me one more time, you even raise your voice to me one more time, and I will make you regret the day you even thought it'd be okay to start down the abusive path you did with me.

Don't fuck with me. Don't come near me. Don't even come near the people I love. You think I've been a bitch to you before when you've pissed me off? You think I've been 'enraged' before with you? You have no idea who you're messing with.

Watch your back B. There's a lot of guys, with a lot of power, and all trained to kill who have your name in their mind for what you've done.

Just wait. Push me one more time.

Alessandra: Don't You Remember?

When will I see you again? We left with no goodbyes, not a single word was said

Things have become rather complicated lately. Mostly because of relationships, romance, love, the lack there of, there wish that it would be, the complications from the past, the hurt from the current situations...it all becomes this big tough heavy weight that you carry with you through out the day.

There's the ex. The one who was my best friend, the person who saved me from myself in the best of ways, who made me feel like I could change the world and that he'd never let me fall because he'd always be there. Until, he decided that banging random girls and getting shitfaced was more fun. As was breaking promises and becoming this...heartbreakingly pathetic version of himself that literally makes me hurt inside just speaking to him. I wish I could say all the love is gone, but it's not. There are some people you just will always love. No matter what. And he's that.

He's not good to me. Certainly not now which is ironic considering he claims that right now he is trying to prove to me that he wants us to be friends, and that he wants us to work. But he breaks more promises, a past instance of me sticking my neck out for him comes back up and instead of him making sure he handles it to the best of his ability, he embarrasses me in front of my bosses of all people. Really? Don't I matter at all? Doesn't our friendship? Doesn't everything we had once matter to you? If you keep claiming that you know it's going to be hard but you are going to try and you want this to work etc, then why do you constantly prove how little I matter to you? It's the same old song and dance. And I can't take the pain anymore. I have too much pain in my life, and the last thing I need is more pain from him.

Then there's J. Sweet, loveable, fun, caring, supportive J. The nice guy I've always clicked with. He's in Afghanistan until July-ish and invited me to the Military Ball with him. I agreed already. I'm looking forward to that at least. Get all dressed up, dance the night away with him in his fancy uniform and what not. It should be a lot of fun. We talk daily, even though he is half a world away. We have it down to practically a schedule. It's almost disturbing. ALMOST. The only thing that bothers me is that he's simple in the sense that he doesn't challenge me to grow, become better, stronger. Not like...

JP. Former Marine. Current Cop training to be a Fireman. Strong, loyal, hardcore die hard football fan, loves his family and friends more than anything, and has strong morals and an incredibly intelligent brain. When we first met he was engaged to my other ex M's friend Abigail. She broke off their two year engagement when he was on his second deployment to Afghanistan over IM and then never returned a single call to him. He later found out she got knocked up by another guy. Abigail is clAssy. JP and I text for hours, we play the question game (I ask a question, he has to answer then ask another) for hours to keep me awake while I do homework into the long hours of the night and to keep him awake as he works the night shift haha. We, click in a way I haven't really clicked with someone in a really long time. He's someone I can feel myself starting to fall for. He's someone I could see...myself with. Settling down with. We share many of the same beliefs, upbringing, values, way of seeing life. He pushes me to become better always, he believes in my strength and anytime I doubt myself he just says, 'don't do that, you know better, we both know you know better and know you can do this, take a deep breath and just do it, you got this'.

And I believe him. It's been so long since I could believe in a man without him letting me down. He makes me want to believe in him more. He makes me want to talk to him more and giggle at his jokes as often as possible and my stomach fills with butterflies and I get all happydorkysmiley every time I hear the specific noise on my phone which means he just text me. He was out in the middle of nowhere hunting with his buddy and he would take the time to text me and see how I was.

Then...yup, there's another then. Because then there's T. My rock when I needed one, when I need one, he's there, strong, caring, beautiful spirit (in the words of my bff beeaaaautiful half naked too), brilliantly smart, very much a 'man' in all senses of the word. He's great and I love how much fun we have together but I also love that I don't feel weak or smaller for showing weakness around him. He never makes me feel weakness around him. Even when I feel like a giant pile of mess, he never lets me feel like that, in the sense that he says its 'hogwash' because 'he knows what I've gone through and what I continue to fight through'. He also happens to be a genius surgeon and more beautiful than most calvin klein models. That tends to not be a bad thing either. Caramel skin, hazel-blue eyes, built body but leaned out some, yes please.

I wish I could say that the dilemma of the 'men' situation was easy, or that it was like I was trying to pick whom I was going to spend my time with but it's nowhere even near the close proximity of that at all. It's more like, I'm afraid of which one to give up on, or which one will give up on me. I'm so fucked up because of my ex CF that I can't even...properly talk to guys without always thinking that every promise they state, or words they speak, that they will just immediately go back on them or something. It's so messed up I know but I'm just, I'm broken and I'm trying to fix it, step by step, but sometimes I feel like it's just getting more worse and it's not worth it.

But it's worth it right? Because love, the possibility of love, that's always worth it. I have to believe in love still, I can't let CF take that away from me. I can't let him take away my possibility for happiness. Even if it is because I am that stubborn.

And yes, I am that stubborn.

Why does it feel like life can sometimes just be one giant game after another?



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Now playing: Adele - One and Only
via FoxyTunes

Alessandra: Baby This Is Love.

Love. Love. It's really a great thing. It's what people live for, die for, go to war for. It's what people fight for every day of their life even if they don't know they are doing it. When push comes to shove it takes both people involved to really want to make it work, to make it work. It is never easy. It will get tough. It will get hard. It will break you down and it will make you feel like you can't go on but then you just shut up and you feel it. You feel the love. It pulses through your veins and you just know it. You just feel it. You know your life isn't right if they aren't there.

But what do you do if you've already pushed them away? Do you try to fight your way back in? Do you try to win them back? Do you fight for your love or do you watch it walk away? Do you constantly wonder if they think of you like you think of them? Do you see them everywhere and wish they were right here, in this moment? Do you wonder if they would want the same? Do you hate that you can't even have that conversation?

You two never had to try hard. You could always say it how it was. You always said some crazy things but they real, things happened and you just went with it never thinking about how crazy it may seem from the outside because you were a team. Damn. Do you wonder if there is something you could do to have them here? Do you realize that you just can't let go no matter what? No matter who else is there. No matter who else comes along. They aren't them. No one else is them. And that spark isn't there. That connection isn't there.

You have fun, you laugh and you smile. You even might think you're happy for awhile but then it hits you one night, while you're laying alone in bed and you're realizing that you used to lie with them every night. You remember how even when you were fighting and sleeping on opposite sides of the bed that in the middle of the night and the middle of your sleep you'd somehow wind up wrapped around each other, exactly as you should be...and every thing was suddenly right in your world. Because they were all you needed. You wonder if they have moments like that.

You wonder if they remember it. You wonder if you remember the laughter, the tenderness, the love. You wonder if they remember the feel of your hands in theirs, how you fit so perfectly against their chest. You wonder if they remember that feeling of comfort, of feeling completely loved by someone that you completely loved back. You wonder if they remember how you two fell apart, you wonder if they wish they could fix it. You wonder why they didn't want to. You wonder why you weren't worth it. You wonder why you were so easy to give up on. You wonder why...how...they could break so many promises and still say they love you. You wonder if they even know what love means.

But you don't ask them any of that. You don't say a word. You cry to yourself silently while you try to force yourself to forget the way he felt against you. You cry to yourself while you realize that even an amazing human being, who is a great person...still just isn't them and you just don't understand what's wrong with you and why you can't just forget them. You don't tell them any of this because after every thing they've done to you why would you? They deserve a knife in the heart just like the one you got in the back. But you can't stop. You can't just stop...it's not enough. It's not enough to forgive them for what they've done. It's not enough. The pain in your heart is there. It's overbearing at times. It swallows you until you feel as though you can't breathe and sometimes you can't. But it's all not enough. None of it's enough until you can love them right. Until they love you right.

But can they ever? If they came back right now and held you right would you let go? Would you ever want to let go? Would you want to hear goodbye and watch him walk away when it feels so right to have them stand right by your side? The past can't change. Your heart is constantly open, waiting for them to say they feel the same. Waiting for them to say 'I'm for real, let's do this' and you both try, really try. You don't want to ever let go of them because they have your soul. You want them to hold you now. You feel safe. You feel sound. When they're around. Nothing hurts when they're there, when they hold you down, hold you now. You're safe and sound and nothing can get to you because they're around. All the pain you thought you felt, all the pain you've ever known it just floats away because it feels so right just for them to stand by your side. They have your soul...they will always have your soul and you can't help it. You just want them to stand by your side...

Just...don't let me go. Because you have my soul. You just wanted them to know.