How can someone get it so wrong? Have it twisted so wrong? Be so wrapped in their own perception of reality that they can't even see how much hurt they have been causing. Not just to themselves. Not just to their families. But to me. Especially to me.
It's suffocating. The amount of it. I try to do what I can and I feel like I'm wading in water, but it's blood, and blood is thicker than water, physics would declare that the body would have a more difficult time, a more strenuous time trying to wade in blood and keep your head above the level so you can breathe. It's exhausting and suffocating, draining and heart breaking but what can I say? Hello, don't you realize that I am dying, and my doctors are out of ideas, and you're so self involved you haven't even bothered to ASK in over three weeks what is going on?
Nope. Can't do that. So I remain the positive supportive one who keeps pushing for everyone to be their best self, to never stop trying. But apparently, I'm not good at that either.
I guess, I just should stop. What's the point anyway? They won't miss me when I'm gone.
And so it goes.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
Alessandra: Looking back at the past
And then it just slaps you in the face. I wrote the following entry the other day. The other night to be specific. And I was so angry, still am. But I guess this is just a disclaimer because those that know me, well, they know my family means more to me than anything. But also, family isn't just what you're born into, it's the life you create with the people you love.
That being said. Here's the fallout...
It’s funny how things from the past come up to bite you in the ass again. Whether it’s the same stupid mindset of a stubborn parent or the way that a parent who always fucked you over finds ways to do so long after their gone. You can’t escape it. It will resurface.
I told my mother to go to hell tonight. And quite frankly. I wanted to say worse. I wanted to say a million things worse than that. Because she deserved it. I couldn’t believe she even spoke to me the way that she did and about the topic that she did. I wanted to slam her in the face and physically hurt her in ways that just, probably would have put me in jail for years. I am sick and tired of her telling me I overreact about my health, or that I’m overreacting about something happening in my health. No, I’m not. I’m having the appropriate reaction to my health and you are being a cunt who doesn’t give a shit. Her body normal is not the same as my body normal and she needs to realize we are not the same, not at fucking all. A tiny cold to her may not be a big deal, but it can kill me.
It’s always been that I’ve been overreacting except that I haven’t been, doctors back me up left and right and yet she still claims that I’m the one who is wrong even though these doctors are telling her how wrong she is. She just doesn’t care. She’s too stubborn and too much of a bitch to even look outside of herself, for even a minute, to realize that she’s wrong. It’s beyond obnoxious.
So something in me snapped tonight. Something in me really, really, snapped. And I found myself realizing that as much as I have grown and changed and adapted and moved forward…she hasn’t. She hasn’t at all. She doesn’t listen to anybody and she thinks shes always right. I have some of the best doctors in the country point blank telling her she’s wrong and what she was wanting me to do would have killed me, but what did she do? Roll her eyes and act like it’s not a big deal. It IS a big deal. My health is a VERY big deal. And her acting as though I overreact about everything happening with me is bullshit and I’m sick of it.
I’m not going to be speaking to her at all anymore. Not until she apologizes for what she’s done and handles the mess she’s supposed to handle. I don’t have anything else to say to her at this moment besides how much I hate her for what she’s done to me, for what she’s put me through all these years and for being such a horrible human being to me.
Things haven't changed much since this all happened. I held my ground, I forced her to realize that she can't just disrespect me like that and think it'd be okay. However situations have arisen with other people in my life where apparently they believe it's also alright for them to walk all over me too.
I don't know when it became okay to walk over me, to shove my face in the dirt and my back into your knife, but please know that you will regret it. And I will not apologize for being glad that you are such a piece of scum. I'm not annoyed by you anymore, I'm enraged by you breathing air anywhere near me and thinking it's okay. You hurt me one more time, you even raise your voice to me one more time, and I will make you regret the day you even thought it'd be okay to start down the abusive path you did with me.
Don't fuck with me. Don't come near me. Don't even come near the people I love. You think I've been a bitch to you before when you've pissed me off? You think I've been 'enraged' before with you? You have no idea who you're messing with.
Watch your back B. There's a lot of guys, with a lot of power, and all trained to kill who have your name in their mind for what you've done.
Just wait. Push me one more time.
That being said. Here's the fallout...
It’s funny how things from the past come up to bite you in the ass again. Whether it’s the same stupid mindset of a stubborn parent or the way that a parent who always fucked you over finds ways to do so long after their gone. You can’t escape it. It will resurface.
I told my mother to go to hell tonight. And quite frankly. I wanted to say worse. I wanted to say a million things worse than that. Because she deserved it. I couldn’t believe she even spoke to me the way that she did and about the topic that she did. I wanted to slam her in the face and physically hurt her in ways that just, probably would have put me in jail for years. I am sick and tired of her telling me I overreact about my health, or that I’m overreacting about something happening in my health. No, I’m not. I’m having the appropriate reaction to my health and you are being a cunt who doesn’t give a shit. Her body normal is not the same as my body normal and she needs to realize we are not the same, not at fucking all. A tiny cold to her may not be a big deal, but it can kill me.
It’s always been that I’ve been overreacting except that I haven’t been, doctors back me up left and right and yet she still claims that I’m the one who is wrong even though these doctors are telling her how wrong she is. She just doesn’t care. She’s too stubborn and too much of a bitch to even look outside of herself, for even a minute, to realize that she’s wrong. It’s beyond obnoxious.
So something in me snapped tonight. Something in me really, really, snapped. And I found myself realizing that as much as I have grown and changed and adapted and moved forward…she hasn’t. She hasn’t at all. She doesn’t listen to anybody and she thinks shes always right. I have some of the best doctors in the country point blank telling her she’s wrong and what she was wanting me to do would have killed me, but what did she do? Roll her eyes and act like it’s not a big deal. It IS a big deal. My health is a VERY big deal. And her acting as though I overreact about everything happening with me is bullshit and I’m sick of it.
I’m not going to be speaking to her at all anymore. Not until she apologizes for what she’s done and handles the mess she’s supposed to handle. I don’t have anything else to say to her at this moment besides how much I hate her for what she’s done to me, for what she’s put me through all these years and for being such a horrible human being to me.
Things haven't changed much since this all happened. I held my ground, I forced her to realize that she can't just disrespect me like that and think it'd be okay. However situations have arisen with other people in my life where apparently they believe it's also alright for them to walk all over me too.
I don't know when it became okay to walk over me, to shove my face in the dirt and my back into your knife, but please know that you will regret it. And I will not apologize for being glad that you are such a piece of scum. I'm not annoyed by you anymore, I'm enraged by you breathing air anywhere near me and thinking it's okay. You hurt me one more time, you even raise your voice to me one more time, and I will make you regret the day you even thought it'd be okay to start down the abusive path you did with me.
Don't fuck with me. Don't come near me. Don't even come near the people I love. You think I've been a bitch to you before when you've pissed me off? You think I've been 'enraged' before with you? You have no idea who you're messing with.
Watch your back B. There's a lot of guys, with a lot of power, and all trained to kill who have your name in their mind for what you've done.
Just wait. Push me one more time.
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