Tuesday, December 21, 2010
He ran. He ran when things got serious six months ago and he hasn't stopped running since. He claims he has now but who knows if he really did. He lied during those six months, he was dishonest, and hurtful just to cause pain, he was a beast of a person- wanting to make me feel agony and anguish just so he could feel anything at all again.
We promised each other we'd never do that. He did. Every thing we promised we'd always do, he didn't do any of it. He wasn't there when he was supposed to be, when I needed him to be. How do you go on from there? Can we go on from there?
He wants to fix us now too, just like I've been saying I've wanted to for so long. He admits all he's done wrong and that he wants to try and make things right, he knows it'll never be like it was ever again. I don't know if my heart can take the hit. I don't know if I can withstand it all. I don't know if we can ever really bounce back from it, enough to try again.
That breaks my heart because I knew if we did try again, we'd work. If we wanted it to, it'd happen, the fireworks are still there every moment we look in each others eyes, we touch one anothers hand, every time we hear each others voice for the first time in a few days even, the fireworks go off like it's the Fourth of July and yet he ignores it, I ignore it. We have to fix us first. But what if fixing us is admitting there are fireworks? But he doesn't want to. He wants to date her. He wants us to try to fix us and be friends first and go from there. I don't know. I don't know if I can do any of this.
I know every time he says he loves me, my stomach aches, I get nauseous and dizzy and my eyes instantly fill up with tears. I wonder how we can ever really bounce back, if one of us is trying to control how much bounce we are given? We learned long ago we couldn't be controlled, us, together, we were the one thing that exceeded all definitions and it's what we loved about us, that when we tried to control it, it broke down. Now he's trying to control it in one way or another and I'm worried, so worried it makes me anxious day and night.
But I can't let go, I just cant. Because in my gut it still is telling me he's it for me. In my gut it's still telling me to hold onto him as much as I can, to put myself through this even though sometimes its so hard I can't breathe, because he's worth it even if I don't see it right now.
I always listen to my gut and it's never taken me in the wrong direction. My gut is what took me to him in the first place. I love him so much that my hands shake thinking about it and I just want him to wrap me in his arms and promise to protect me from everything wrong in my world like he used to.
But how can he protect me from himself?
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Saturday, December 4, 2010
It just came out of nowhere. And it keeps coming out of nowhere. I probably shouldn't be writing this here. I probably shouldn't be writing this at all. It's too much for anyone to handle. Too much for me to handle. But alas, I am alone and it needs to be said. I'm sorry if it scares you, I don't want to frighten you. Help will be here on Monday. I won't hold anything back.
Certain things, certain actions lead my mind places that they should be. Putting on a scarf, shaving my legs with a razor in the shower, taking a vitamin... I don't even mean to think this way, I swear I don't. It just happens and I can't stop it. Like a moving train that's coming towards me a 100mph with a ton of force. Even the friction between the wheels and the rails can stop it.
But it's starting to scare me, especially when I'm alone.
And then once I come to and the realization hits, I panic and break down. Crying and crying. My breathing gets fast, my heart feels too big for its chest cavity. I ask myself out-loud what the fuck I'm doing. I wish I had the courage to pick up the phone and call the psychologist's office.
It's not pride that's stopping me. Or, I don't think it's pride. I just don't want to bother anyone. I know, I know. I'm sorry but that's how I feel.
I feel like it's too much for anyone to handle. I don't want to make it bigger than it is. I don't want someone to blow it up to something it's not.
I scare myself. I'm scared of my thoughts. I'm scared on the man sitting on my left shoulder.
But tomorrow is new, you know? There's something promising and light about a new morning. The daybreak is so symbolic to me, spiritual,... metaphoric, even. I know it's just a gravitational reaction of forces and tilting and a magical earth nonsense... but to me it's like a restart button. It's like a new day, a new chance.